U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize