I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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