That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
