just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize