How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
