the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's the barista slut.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
