I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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