A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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