I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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