Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
