Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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