Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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