Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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