wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
