I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
