He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
