one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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