It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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