I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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