Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
