someone get that fucking seahorse.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
