I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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