help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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