Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
