Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
