I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
