that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
