I can tuck mytits in my pants
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
