Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
