I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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