So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
