Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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