Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
