On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
