Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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