apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize