and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
