Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Pooping to opera.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
