Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
