Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
