you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize