I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
