So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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