At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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