Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
