I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
