I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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