I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
