how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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