i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
