Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
