God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
