i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
