If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
