He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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