I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
