my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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