I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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