fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Bring me that man meat
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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