I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
