hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
