sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
