last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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